Unfinished

The other day I dreamt about my grandma for the first time since her passing almost three months ago. Just before I slept, she had been running through my mind more than usual. I was missing her cuddles and oddly calming old grandma scent. After an hour of watching old videos of her, I just needed to feel her in my arms. I even tried giving my laptop a hug.

I went to bed and saw my grandma in my dreams. She saw me crying and walked over to me, back no longer hunched and steps in stronger strides, mind you she had always waddled and had a hunch so bad that she could hardly keep her head up before she became bed rest. She came up to me and asked "Bakit ka bang umiiyak bata? (Why are you crying child?) and I told her I had missed her. Inang gave me a hug and said "Makikita tayo ulit. Wag kang umiyak. (We'll see each other again. Don't cry anymore)" as she leaned in for a kiss.

But the dream was so vivid it hardly even felt like a dream, it felt like she was there with me, like a visit. I swear I could smell her little old Filipino grandma scent that I wish we could turn into a candle. I could feel her wrinkly lips and old lady whiskers as she kissed me on the forehead like she always did. I even felt her saggy (but cute) arms as she hugged me.

I spend a lot of time having to pay attention to detail when it comes to art and design, but this had been the only dream I've had that I didn't even need to try so hard to think about what happened and how it felt. I just knew.

After Inang kissed me, I woke up crying and I'm talking about bawling all the while hyperventilating at five in the morning. Shit was intense. Shit was vivid. Inang would probably even smack me if she knew how much cuss words I had in the same paragraph and let alone in the same sentence with her name.

I spoke to my cousins and mom and told them about my hyperrealistic dream. They all said the same thing, that I was lucky Inang had visited me because they haven't gotten one. I didn't realize how much I needed that visit until it later on that day. I feel peace knowing that I'll see my grandma again. At the end of the day, knowing and seeing what she's been through, after all the sleepless nights and complains about pain, I'm happy for her. Seeing her happy and healthy during her visit is what I needed.

With that being said,

I've decided to leave this specific drawing unfinished, for a few reasons. Orchids were my grandma's favorite flowers and now every time I see orchids, I see it as a sign from her. You're probably thinking why unfinished? Why not draw the rest of the orchids?

At first I wanted to draw these orchids for Inang, but now I see it as a representation of her presence in my life. A part of her is missing, and by "her" I mean her physical embodiment. Though she's very much still here, her love and presence, the basic outlines of who Inang was that now isn't visible but very much felt. Even though you don't see her, you know she's there. How crazy it is that someone could not be here on Earth anymore, but still feel like they're with you.

Love you always Inang.

Cate